Meditation as a Tool for Awareness

April 16, 2020

I sit by the pool on my meditation cushions. It is still dark out. The trees are silhouettes in the sky. The occasional flock of Canadian geese fly by , honking their arrival in the pre -dawn light.

I start my chanting and meditation. The first thirty minutes slowly drift by. I feel distracted. I think of work, of things to do today. I lift my cell phone and type a reminder to myself.

It is difficult to get into it today. The next thing I know is I look at my watch and a half hour has flown by. I start to think about my meetings yesterday. When I met the Fund Managing Partner, I could feel myself slide into “Salesman Irwin”. It is something that is so second nature that I am never aware of it, except today, I can feel the shift, ever so subtly. As I continue to meditate and turn over the experience in my mind, I can feel into the shift with more awareness. I recall myself talking to John. I am exaggerating my smile. I am leaning in. I am amping up the charm, giving him the impression that I am listening to him with earnestness. I laugh. I ask questions. I smile. I feign interest. I can feel that I am moving into the role of salesman. My mind is quickly computing what do I need to do to impress him and get him to like me. It computes and then self corrects instantaneously. It is GPS. It is character radar- compute- self correct, sense- compute- self correct-sense. I am a shape shifter. A chameleon. I had learned this about myself recently at an enneagram workshop, but then it was strictly an idea. An abstraction. It didn’t feel real. As I continue to meditate, I can feel the inner experience of the shape shifter. I am objectifying John. He is no longer someone “real”. He is an object for me to seduce. I want him to like me and I will do what I need to do and be who I need to be to get his approval and attention. I start to slip into the jet stream of the meditation experience which allows me to perceive my inner life without the defensive barriers of repression, suppression, denial, projection and all the other games we have learned to protect ourselves from seeing what might be the painful truth about our ego self. This is the profound result of the meditation experience. It somehow brings clarity. Like in the Wizard of Oz, the curtain is pulled back and it is clear to me that there is a magician pulling the levers of the machine and he is naked- but it is okay. There is no shame. There is only appreciation for seeing clearly. In this state I feel the grace of the moment. The beauty of clarity. I am humbled by these new insights. I realize that my consciousness is so clouded most of the day. I am living in a fog most waking hours. The meditation experience has helped lift the fog and allows me to see deep into my consciousnes. I move from everyday awareness to altered awareness, yet this state seems more real. There is no obfuscation of the ego and its defenses. I allow myself to see myself clearly with no prejudice and no shaming. I am objectifying John. I am objectifying myself. I am no longer relating to a person, a being created in the image of God, with feelings, fears, longings, desires but as an object I must get to like me. In the process I have objectified myself as well. A little space opens up between me and my behavior in this moment of meditation. I often feel lonely with people and disconnected. I can understand more clearly why this is so. If I am objectifying them, I am not in relationship to them, or to me. I can feel myself looking at myself in action – trying to impress him, trying to get him to like me. I am so desperate to be liked that I lose myself in the process and even if he were to like me, I would not really know if I am liked as he is not experiencing the real me, but instead the Magician Irwin, the one trying to impress and pull the strings and not the one relating. I can see this clearly now from this altered state of awareness. There is no judgement, just the awesomeness of getting a clear picture of what this part of me is like. It feels great. A song floats into consciousness. I am reminded of the Johnny Cash song:

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sun-shining day

Oh yes I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sun-shining day

(Ooh…)
Look all around, there’s nothing but blue skies
Look straight ahead, there’s nothing but blue skies

I can see clearly now the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sun-shining day

It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Bright (bright) sun-shining day