My Need to Perform to Feel Loved
April 17, 2020
The most beautiful part of my meditation is after it is over. I sit in stillness and savor the alternative consciousness. It is timeless. I float outside of time and space in an alternate dimension. The default mode network rigidified way of thinking is suspended. I can see myself through a new lense.
Our thinking patterns become extremely rigid as do our perceptual filters to the point where we believe that what we see and think is reality.
After an hour of meditating I can see my perceptual filters for what they are: rigid, habitual, formalized, stuck.
Today, I was thinking of that constant pull and urge I feel to do, to accomplish, to move to the next task, to constantly achieve. I woke up at 6:30 AM and felt upset with myself that I had slept in and was already behind schedule. How could I possibly walk for an hour and pray and meditate and then do all the work I needed to do today if I was starting at 6:30 AM?I am so patterned in my thinking that the first thoughts I have on any day are: What do I need to accomplish today? It is a thought FIXATION. I cannot imagine waking and not having my mind go to my “TO DO” list, as if that is what makes me a human being.
It is as if breath = task list. I wonder what it would be like to wake and not have my mind go immediately to what tasks I can accomplish today? Would I be less? I can feel a little air between myself and this thought pattern in the altered consciousness of post meditation mind space. I am not my patterns. This is NOT ME! It is the way I have learned to be in the world, but I can see today as I float in the timelessness of meditation that I do not need to be this way. If I can get just a little space of awareness between me and my patterns , then I now have choice. I think I need people to see me as a DOER, an ACCOMPLISHER, an ACHIEVER because I believe that they will then respect and love me. I feel deep into my being and try to connect with the place where I know that I am loveable just as I am. I do not need to be accomplished to be lovable. I am good enough just as I am. I try to feel the truth of this. I connect with the place within that says I am enough just the way I am. I am good. I am enough. I allow myself to feel the truth of this experience and allow it to become infused through all the cells of my body. I breathe it in deeply and slowly exhale the reality of this being enough just as I am.Today, I want to work at being a human being and not a human doing!